Lord, What Would You Have Me to Do?

Recently I had my 33rd birthday. On other days I am just a normal person but when my birthday arrives, I can’t control my impulses, in other words I am just like a kid. I seriously count how many days are left for my birthday to arrive and I am excited about it. However, this time in particular, I had this deep and severe feeling in my heart about the purpose of my existence and whether I am living a life worthy of living. They say there are two important days in a person’s life. One is the day he or she is born and the other one is the day when he or she discovers why. I definitely believe I am born for a purpose like everyone else and I am not a mistake on earth but somehow I am not able to define that purpose in one line or in a composed way. But deep down in my soul, I know that I am to reflect Jesus’s love and hope to the broken world, be an encouragement for others, be a help to someone in need and be the hands and feet of Jesus to those who are suffering. I can say that while doing these things, I do have that feeling of fulfillment and so I try finding my purpose doing things which makes my heart come alive.

While doing dishes on my birthday night around 11:30, I asked myself a few questions about how I want the rest of my life to be lived on this earth?  How am I going to make a difference in other’s lives? How am I going to move to the next level parenting my kids? How am I going to find the purpose in the everyday battle I face and how am I going to feel fulfilled at the end of the day? The more questions I asked myself, the more anxious I grew as my life has been a total mess with daily challenges. Many times I feel so trapped with no way to escape. It’s a situation which I can’t bring out of my life and I can’t bring my life out of it. The only option I have is to fight. It has been a constant battle and no matter what I do, I have to face the same challenges again and again.

We all want to live a purposeful life. In the midst of the day to day urgency, deep down in our souls we wish to do the things which our hearts crave to do. And it’s just because we are made in such a way. Those dreams and desires of fulfilling life are woven into us by our creator God. But often when those things are not taking place the way we desire, we bury those feelings and move on with the same old routine of our life. But sooner or later, those feelings pop up again making us feel restless and nudged.

But God sees the purpose of our lives in a different way. He is constantly searching for people who are available and willing to do His will in His way. He was able to use David as he saw a greater purpose beyond the sheep and the wilderness, he was able to use Esther as he saw a purpose beyond her misery of being an orphan girl, he was able to use Moses as he saw the purpose beyond the limitations of his skills, he was able to use Joseph as he saw the purpose beyond his life in a pit and the jail, he was able to use Jesus as he saw the purpose beyond his agony and death on the cross.

God will be able to use you and me when we see our purpose beyond life’s trials and hardships. Despite the challenges, when we move ahead to do what is necessary, despite the huge dreams in our hearts, when we step forward to do what is less impressive, despite the fear, the rejection, the setbacks and feelings of being unqualified, when we still move on with those dreams God placed in our hearts, we can see Him use them in a way we never dreamt of.

You may not see a purpose beyond your challenge, your sickness, that difficult child, the same prayer you prayed many times, the loss, the challenging job, the setback, and the tears you shed behind the closed doors or the unbearable pain you carry in your heart but God sees and He wants to use your life amidst those trials.

So I am realizing that instead of focusing on how I wish my life’s purpose to be or how much grander it should look or how much productive the rest of my life should be or what achievements I am to make, I need to surrender myself to Him and be willing to be a vessel in His hands. I need to approach Him knowing that my life is not my own, it belongs to Him. I need to let Him use my very scars, my tears, my pain to create a story of strength and courage for someone out there who needs to hear it. My sense of purpose is beginning to change from being rooted in the idea of what I want to accomplish, into a new approach to life that is fueled by the excitement of being used by God in a very unique way.

Because I may not be able to see the purpose beyond my sleepless nights, aching bones, special child, feeding bottles, changing sheets, urine soaked piles of clothes, laundry basket, sink filled with vessels, lonely life and unending household chorus but God does. I may not understand that my very challenges and life experiences are a small part of the big picture God has for me and He is able to bring a message of hope for others through my broken story for His glory.