The news about the second wave of covid-19, and the rapidly rising numbers of positive cases, was all over India during the months of April and May. The social media messages were filled with sad emojis đ„and praying handsđđŒ during this time. Many people I knew were also affected by the virus and few of them even lost their lives due to it.
âPlease remember my family friend in your prayers. He is Covid positive. He is in critical condition and is on oxygen support.â This was the message I received from one of my friends during the same time. I assured her of my prayers as I saw her message. âSure! I will pray,” I replied instantly. While closing the chat tab, I whispered a prayer in my mind for him and went on to do the household work.
Later on, I didnât remember praying for him or asking about his health until few days later, when the virus hit my own family. When I saw my husband struggle with severe cough during the night, and the way the virus was causing emotional and physical chaos to us, I realised the seriousness of covid-19.
A few weeks back, we as a family, shifted back from Maharashtra which is in the northern part of India to Kerala in the South. For safe and swift travel, we considered flying, as it takes just 2-3 hours. Also during this pandemic time, it felt more convenient to fly – especially for our 7 year old daughter who has special needs.
But, sadly, our flight kept getting cancelled for some or other reason. This happened three times in a row. It was very frustrating the third day. Every morning when we would do all the preparations for travel and announce that we are leaving, the very next day the notification of flight cancellation from the airline would pop onto my husband’s phone. It was a puzzling moment.
Refinerâs fire â The word isnât new for us as Christians. We have heard it in many sermons. There are many songs written about it. Many books and articles describe its analogy with lifeâs various trials. The Bible tells us how God refines our lives like silver or gold are refined in the furnace.
Isaiah 48:10 says, âBehold, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.â
We are like a lump of unrefined metal in His hands. He is our refiner. Just like the refiner sees the value of the unrefined metal and what it can become, our Master Refiner sees the richness and the value of our lives and what we can become.
âHe will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the LORD will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness.â Malachi 3:3
How does the refinement process for the silver or gold works?
A metal such as gold or silver can be purified when it is melted at a high temperature. The dross or the impurities rises to the top and it is then removed from the metal before it cools down. The process of heating continues until the metal is pure. Though it seems like the fire will destroy the metal, it only makes it more pure and valuable.
âFor you have tested us, O God; you have refined us as silver is refined.â Psalm 66:10
How does Godâs refinement process work?
Certain trials or afflictions God allows in our lives because He has a purpose for them. But none of us really likes to be in this place. Itâs hard, itâs hot, itâs painful, itâs inconvenient, itâs frightening and itâs hurting being here. But, just like the metal endures the process of its refining, you and I are to endure the process of our refining in the furnace of lifeâs trials. And this is only possible when we truly understand the refinerâs place in the metalâs life, when we choose His will and ways instead of our own, when we are willing to change when He reveals to us our impurities or our weaknesses and when we are willing to fully trust His heart of love in the process no matter how long it takes or how ‘hot’ it gets.Â
On 9th April, I received a voice mail from my friend Sheetal in the morning. A couple of months back, we were talking about Godâs healing and about the same topic, she had shared her beautiful and deep insights with me. I listened to the mail and thanked her for her thoughtful message.
But little did I know that I would need her words in the next few weeks; or maybe, the voice message was preparing me in advance for the worst that was headed my way.
The very next day, my parents and my younger brother were tested positive for Covid -19. And within a few daysâ time, my husband too was found infected by the virus. My biggest fear came true as the deadly virus had reached my dear ones when I least expected it.
A few days ago, I came across a beautiful poem written by James Patrick Kinney. He was an American poet who wrote the poem in 1960 during the African âAmerican Civil Rights Movement. Even though this poem was written many years ago, it still speaks profound volumes to the one who reads it today. It made me reflect on each of its words too and do some soul searching to gain greater insights from it.
It has always been a very challenging and emotionally overwhelming situation for me when my husband travels out of town. I feel very helpless managing both the kids without his support and it just feels like I am a lonely soldier on a battlefield without any weapon.
I understand that it is required of him to travel but staying alone with children with special needs isnât an easy task. The entire family schedule goes upside down. I am sleep deprived. I hardly get to have a bath or food on time. My 8 years old sonâs only friend is his dad and he, being so attached to him, feels lonely and gloomy all the time. His only companion will be the laptop until his dad returns. My daughter on the other hand needs my much attention for her needs and I have to carry her around the house even to get a glass of water for myself when she cries and refuses to stay on the bed by herself.
We have a tiny guest in our home. Itâs a pretty little fish. Our house owners, an elderly couple, are out of station and asked us to look after their pet fish for a few days.
As I observe this little aquatic creature every day, a thought came into my mind: Even though this fish is created to live in a stream and swim with the vibrant current of fresh water along with other fish, sadly it is bound to stay in this small bowl with a little water for someone elseâs happiness. This bowl has become the whole world for it and it is needless to say that this beautiful looking bowl is limiting the fishâs real potential, its very purpose it is created for.
No anticipated results + No pat on my shoulder + No favourable circumstances = I quit
This has been my equation for so long. I have always needed evident results to carry on any work. For me to stay encouraged and not to give up on anything, I always need someone to cheer me up and believe in me so I can trust in myself. Good outcomes keep me motivated to go ahead and the opposite of them makes me give up.
So, on one particular day, when I noticed that I had been getting few views and visitors on my blog posts, I came to the conclusion that I probably should quit writing as there are not many people who are relating with what I want to share. Writing and sharing a blog post has always been a lonely journey for me but at this very moment when I couldnât see many views on the view bar, I felt I am not making a big difference through my writing. I felt unqualified and uncreative in running a blog.
As I flipped through the pages of my previous yearsâ diaries and read the many goals and hopes I had for each New Year, I felt I had not been so progressive in achieving them and I had just written them in the excitement of the New Yearâs new beginnings. Though I consoled myself for reaching few of the goals to some extent and wanted to celebrate the little victories, deep down I felt I was a failure.
Every year at the start of the New Year, I was so thrilled to write my goals and resolutions on the very first page. But this time, I didnât feel motivated to write my goals or even hope ahead for many fulfilling days.
Before filling the fresh blank pages of my new diary, before writing any new goals in it for the New Year, I thought I needed to first stop, re-evaluate myself and search deeper for the answers for my depressing thoughts and feelings.
The morning wasnât like any other morning as things got messed up between Nevin and me. We had a conversation which ended in both of us getting angry and upset with each other to the point that we didnât have our breakfast in the morning. We had differences of opinions and ideas on a certain matter which resulted in a harsh talk. Both of our words and actions have hurt each other and we knew it. We didnât talk further but remained silent for the rest of the day.
A Christmas star which we have put in front of our home too wasnât lit up that day. Both of us werenât in a mood to let the star shine. The star which illuminated our entrance every evening was hanging there in the dark. It was the only Christmas star in our entire locality but that evening it didnât give light at all. A few days back, it was the same shining star which made us feel the beginning of the Christmas season as we so excitedly hung it in front of our entrance. But today, the anger and grudges which we held within our hearts prevented us from allowing the star to give us delight. We chose darkness instead of light literally and metaphorically.
